My Life As A Sitcom
I have a strong perspective on life. Some may say extreme (my parents certainly have said so). And it's full of contradictions.
“People are stupid and I should be president, but when it's time to apply for a job everybody somehow seems better than me”. “Children are the future but also the cause of my future mental breakdown”. “We should fight injustice with all our strength and save the planet now, but 5 more minutes of sleep please”. “Everybody should be diffident towards authority but my kids should do what I say”.
Every day I struggle with a world that doesn't conform to my vision. It could be people buying mineral water in plastic bottles (two sins in one move) or critics praising a horrible film. Or anybody who happens to be a morning person. I can't stand it. At home, I can go on and on about it with my loving and infinitely patient husband. Who is very much the opposite of me.
I'm a heavy person who takes everything to heart, while he's light, optimistic, and sometimes superficial. I tend to overthink and combust internally before translating my thoughts into action. He simply gets things done. He has his quirks too. Like being in underwear merely 20 seconds after walking through the door, a transformation so quick that Superman would envy him. Or his pretending to be on a diet while using increasingly big bowls for his light salad dinners or healthy muesli breakfasts. I never fail to call him on those peculiar habits. Yelling or laughter ensues, depending on the day.
My kids are nutjobs who draw on walls and on themselves and jump from wardrobes, with the occasional moment of precocious emotional maturity. They can get away with most of it because they're cute. Or so they seem to me. And they always manage to make me laugh.
My parents have on anything very strong opinions... that will invariably clash with mine. As soon as we're in the same room, arguments abound. They could be about common relatives or the rotating speed of the galaxy. The important thing for us is to fight as if our life depended on it.
Wait a minute... Opposite perspectives, funny quirks, constant banter... all clues point to one logical conclusion. My life is a sitcom. Or, better, this is what I could tell myself to make it more bearable.
All my family's pain and frustrations could be great fun from the right point of view... the one of somebody sitting on a sofa with popcorn. Then our trouble would be hilarious, our kids adorably cheeky and our banter... well, mildly entertaining. Like in an old sitcom. I don't mean a really caustic one like All in the Family or Arrested Development. Nor a wildly inventive like The Simpsons or Community. More like a warm, silly 60s domestic comedy. But with X rated language.
Like The Dick Van Dyke Showif the writers were drunk. Wouldn't that be something?
Maybe this is the secret of (my) life: it's a mess but it's all for the best, to maximize incongruity and sparkle witty repartee.
The more I think about it the more it makes sense to me...
We even have our own catchphrases. My husband: We can do it! My 8-year-old daughter: something about Uranus. Mine: Where is my phone? My 6-year-old son: You ruined my life! Can I touch your vulva? [sic]
Occasionally, one of the kids falls from a wardrobe, providing some good old slapstick humor.
And did I mention that we have an exceptionally grumpy doorman and a neighbor whose name is a pun on a popular sci-fi film?
Finally, as in every sitcom, I feel like whatever happens in our home, is not going to change a thing. No fight, drama or epiphany is going to make any real difference in our life. We can't change who we are, just be a bit more conscious of it. Day after day we'll be there saying and doing variations of the same things. Always together, making the same mistakes, touching each others' nerves. Frustrating I know. But also strangely, perversely comforting.
(Wait, am I losing my mind or did I hear people laughing in the background?)